Greetings fellow Transitionees. If you’re here, you’re used to reading a lot of references to presentations and meetings—-that’s because that’s what I spend most of my meaningful time doing.

It gives me the chance to observe people in a unique setting, which I suppose I should be grateful for. It’s one thing to observe people when they know they’re being observed, or even when they don’t—-but a chance to observe people when they’re observing you is unique.

While everyone is sitting there staring, I’m usually staring right back. I’ve noticed, in a far less scientific manner than Color Q, that there are about… three to five types of people in any given crowd.

#1: Zombies

They stare. They stare, and they stare, and sometimes their mouths are even part way open. They look as though they might want to eat you, or that the next thing from their mouths is likely to be “Braaaaaains….”. These people are either paying attention to everything you’re saying, or they’re trying to figure out in their zombified minds how fast they would have to shamble to catch you.

Effects of making eye contact with one of these individuals in the audience range from mild hypnosis and paranoia to moderate self consciousness and memory loss.

#2: Nodders

Nodders have to be my favorite type of person in the universe, when I’m presenting. Theory has it that Nodders actually absorb the energy which allows Zombies to remain so still, to fuel their enthusiasm. They will nod about everything you say. They are extremely happy to see you, so happy in fact that they agree with every syllable you have to tell them whether or not it was in fact a lucent thought.

If ever you are lacking for confidence, find the nearest Nodder in the crowd, and think a happy thought. For example:

An awkward pause after losing train of thought. You continue to speak, but can’t help the thought, “I pulled that off, right?”

You find your nearest Nodder. He/She nods.

Effects of interaction with a Nodder can include confidence boosts, out of place smiles while presenting, ‘counter nodding’—-a disorder which causes a nod in response to the Nodder. See: Agreeing with Agreeing with Yourself.

#3: Mrs/Mr Blackberry

You’re a good person, and a good presenter. You’re sure they have a very busy life, or something very interesting is happening on Facebook. You’re not sure what it is, but you wouldn’t dare think that what you’re saying is actually more important than the constant deluge of correspondence they have the rest of their day—-and in fact, the rest of their lives—-to take care of.

You will smile when they make eye contact by mistake and then look back down at their phone. And you will pretend that they are not in the audience. Because you are good at what you do. You’ll tell yourself you’re not offended, and then you’ll look at a Nodder to agree with you while imagining the Zombies will maul them.

Ah, those Nodders.

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There are sub categories, of course. I might go back to this later. The Severe Nodder is an evolution of the Nodder, and the Squinter/Scowler is a somehow more alarming offshoot of the Zombie breed.

I’ll get around to it.

Remember: Life is transition. And if you ever doubt that, say it to a Nodder. They agree with you.